What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 01:32
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im still living with it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Who was the guy that had sex with the AIDS monkey?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I think the readers, may guess!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
I was seconnd youngest,
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I write beautiful poetry .
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When she asked me how she looked .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Put me off passion for life!!
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We were not on the streets..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was scared of men, in general
It was going to be , some day.
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My family never makes their pension either.
I said to her
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I waited trembling.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
(And it was in our own minds.)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
What did i know ?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
So, i spoilt her more .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Comes on , in middle age.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was in good health!
Would this be the day?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
This is soul school!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Was to survive, this bastard.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She found it foreign!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Ive learnt so much.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
So whats the point in blame.
I don,t even have a pension.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We all went to grammer schools
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But, we were locked up after school.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I have no regrets .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She loved him until the end.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She married twice! .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One cannot live in the past .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I will be 64.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was very sick at this time too.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But it wasn’t much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He knew the spot.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I was 9 years of age.
She wouldn,t have been !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
All the time i was locked up.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I couldn’t, believe it.
My life is so biszare .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Who then, do I blame.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Especially a lifetime of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And i lived it daily.